Have you read this book by my second-favorite storyteller, Jean Shepherd?

In God We Trust … All Others Pay Cash was the inspiration for the cult-favorite holiday flick A Christmas Story. Jean Shepherd, by the way, grew up in Indiana. And his father worked for the Borden Milk Company.

Today’s story is from my favorite storyteller, though, who also grew up in Indiana. Farmer Gary tells this tale with a twinkle in his eye, as he was spared direct involvement in this situation, but could go on to tell the story for decades.

We’ll start by explaining that dairy cows love alfalfa hay – and it loves them. They “give” considerably more milk (Gary says that’s an inaccurate phrase; you’ve got to take it from them) when their diet includes alfalfa hay.

Here in southern Indiana, the soil is not conducive to growing alfalfa hay. Back in the 1990s, it was actually more cost-effective to have it trucked in from states away than to rely on hay grown here on the farm.

As Gary tells us, he’d shop around by phone and order up a truckload of alfalfa hay from “out west.” Sometimes he ran across a real character or two:

Here’s what those massive bales look like:

A truckload of alfalfa hay, in case you were wondering, weighs about 24 tons. The bales measure either 4’x4’x8’ and weigh a ton or 3’x3’x8’ and weigh 800 pounds.

Gary worked as a personal dietician for those cows for decades. After all, their milk-producing systems were fra-GEE-lay. The cows may be gone now, but their tails … er, tales … remain as the crème de la crème of his storied career.

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