Forget for a moment that we’re just weeks away from a presidential election. Soak in this far more important news:

They’ve pulled the plug on TaB!

Shocking as that may seem, no doubt many of us are going all Aunt Ethel (from the classic movie and play Harvey): What? I thought they killed off that swill decades ago!

Well, they should have. That stuff was nasty! Medicinal. Metallic. Sweetened with Saccharin.

But back in the ’60s, it was all we had.

Brace yourself before watching this incredibly bad commercial from the 1960s. It encouraged women to drink TaB and become a “mindsticker” so that a man twice your age can peer through the bushes and watch you play tennis.

Be sure to turn up the volume on this one. You wouldn’t want to miss these stunning lyrics: Why don’t you keep your shape in shape?

My strongest memory of TaB is from college.

In 1977-78, one of my suite-mates – Cathy – drank a lot of TaB. Several cans a day. There was always an extra six-pack or two available in her closet (I decided she must be a trust-fund baby to have that kind of cash to blow).

Thing is, Cathy rarely finished a can. As soon as the chill was gone, she’d grab another.

But the half-filled can-o-TaB didn’t go to waste.

It became her ashtray.

I witnessed this only once, but it happened fairly often. Chances are this story is still told in hushed tones at the Read residence hall at Indiana University.

While studying, visiting with friends, or just blasting an Electric Light Orchestra album, Cathy would keep the fresh TaB far apart from the TaB ashtray.

But once in a while, my suite-mate would get so into her studies, or conversation, or funny brownies, that she’d simply lose track. She’d take a big gulp of luke-warm, ash-filled TaB.

Her reaction was unforgettable. And loud. Each time this happened, Cathy swore off TaB (and swore a bunch in general) for at least an hour before grabbing a fresh one from her mini fridge (again, Rich Girl).

Good-bye, TaB. Coca-Cola says it’s the pandemic that took ye. I think we know better. They need the shelf space for the far-superior Fresca.

And is it true that TaB was an acronym for Totally Artificial Beverage? Alas, Snopes say no. It was suggested by a main-frame computer and chosen by a focus group, who undoubtedly decided that name was a real mindsticker.

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